Wow, has it really been a year? Has it been a year since I described in pain staking detail the chaotic fantasy I have for how the NFL Draft should play out? Better yet, is this really the third time I’ve done this article? Apparently time flies even when you’re not having fun, because as we all know… being a Browns fan isn’t fun. Well, unless you consider your owner being front and center for a FBI/IRS investigation surrounding “alleged” white collar crime fun. So here we go again… this is it… this is our Super Bowl. Now let’s go win this thing!
Unfortunately, we all know where this is headed. We’re all going to get our hopes up that the Browns are going to take an elite level talent at a game changing position only to watch them repeatedly trade down for a lineman. Hell, they might not even trade down at all. They might just take the god damn lineman with the 6th pick and avoid the whole ruse that is trading down. After all, they did draft a 30-year old starting quarterback last season.
Seriously, do the Browns have any idea what they’re doing? Why do I keep asking this same question over and over and over. We all know they don’t know what they’re doing.
Anything is in play tonight… ANYTHING! Now where did I put that bottle of Jack? I think I’m gonna need it.
This year, unlike in years past, Roger Goodell has decided to embrace his status as full fledged NFL heel. Instead of simply coming out on stage and welcoming those in attendance and the millions watching at home to the 2013 NFL Draft, Goodell comes out from the back stage area with full Vince McMahon mode engaged, theme music and all.
After 15 minutes of strutting around on stage and taking in all of the boos, Goodell take his place on his thrown, stage left. The Chiefs are on the clock… and we’re under way!
1. Looking to get back to a state of relevance, the Chiefs are looking to make a big splash this year in the draft. They finally rid themselves of the disaster that was Matt Cassel and look to finally be moving towards the future. Actually, they might be looking a little too far into the future. Andy Reid takes the stage to announce the Chiefs’ first pick. After wiping away the remnants of BBQ sauce from his walrus stache, Reid announces the Chiefs will take Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel. Nanoseconds later, Goodell throws a challenge flag, deeming the pick invalid. Reid counters by throwing a challenge flag of his own. We have dual challenges, folks. Of course Reid loses the challenge, because that’s what he does. Begrudgingly, Reid settles for Luke Joeckel, OT Texas A&M.
2. Next up are the Jaguars and their newly released uniform set. It’s a uniform set that might go down as one of the worst uniform designs in the history of sports. No, not football. We’re talking all of sports. And that’s taking into consideration this, and this, and god help us…this. Seriously, what were they thinking with the two-tone helmet? They’re going to look like clowns. Keeping in line with that theme, Jags’ owner Shad Khan selects Homie the Clown. Unfortunately, Homie don’t play that. The Jaguars are forced to settle with Ziggy Ansah, DE BYU.
3. Next up, the Raiders. After the Browns, it’s possible they are the next most clueless team in the league. Even in the wake of Al Davis’ passing, it still feels like the Raiders are trying to build a team more in line with the 1970’s than 2013. Why stop doing what has proven not work for at least 8 years? With that in mind, the Raiders try for a different approach. Thinking that the issue must be their 37 head coaches in 5 years, the Raiders decide to shore up that spot by selecting John Madden. Shockingly, ESPN is able to cut to Madden live from the Madden cruiser. BOOM! After a 15 minute analysis of the Raiders roster with a telestrator, Madden declines his selection. The Raiders then settle for their second option, Sharrif Flyod, DT Florida.
4. Moving on, the Eagles step to the podium to make their selection represented by new head coach Chip Kelly. Wait, check that. He’s headed back to the war room. Apparently they’re undecided on the pick. Wait, here comes Kelly. He looks confident as he steps to the podium. Wait, he’s headed back to the war room… again. This song and dance goes on for 15 more minutes before Goodell finally decides to skip the Eagles until someone can make up their minds.
5. With the fifth pick, the Lions… wait, here come the Eagles. This time new offensive coordinator Pat Shurmur takes the podium. He feels very genuine about this pick. He then instructs everyone that if they want details on their pick, they’ll have to look on Twitter. Upon further review, apparently the Eagles are taking Dion Jordan, LB Oregon… via Twitter.
5. Now, as for the Lions, they need secondary help in a bad, bad way. They repeatedly get torched by teams with pass happy offenses. In other words, every team in the NFL other than the Browns. Bazinga. Naturally, the Lions do the complete opposite, or at least they try to. With the fifth pick, Jim Schwartz decides that what his team needs is even more attitude. For that reason, he selects Stone Cold Steve Austin. Fearful that he may actually be confused for Vince McMahon, Goodell nullifies the pick before the glass can shatter. Instead, the Lions decide to play it smart and choose Dee Milliner, CB Alabama.
6. Oh boy, the Browns are on the clock. Get your car keys out. In fact, go start your cars and get them warmed up. I have a feeling a trip to the I-480 bridge might be in order in about 5 minutes. The camera cuts to owner Jimmy Haslam as he makes his way up to the podium. However, before he can get there the Feds jump out from the shadows. Cue up the Benny Hill Yackity Sax theme. While Haslam weaves in and out between rows in the crowd, Papa Joe Banner makes his way to the podium and selects… nobody. The Browns are trading down. Fan-effing-tastic. With the #6 pick, the Chargers select Eric Fisher, OT Central Michigan.
It’s at this point Roger Goodell has seen enough. To commiserate with Browns fans, Goodell pulls out a flask and takes a hit. Glad to see someone cares.
7. With the seventh pick in the draft, the Cardinals can go one of two ways. Draft a QB and help keep Larry Fitzgerald happy, or draft an offensive lineman and help keep their QB’s upright. Well, being that this is the Cardinals, they decide they’re taking things to the next level. New Head coach and offensive guru Bruce Arians decides that the best way to turn the Cardinals back into a winner is to draft Quarterback Andrew Luck. Roger Goodell, clearly irate at this point and, with only 25 more picks to go, concusses Arians with a two by four. It flies in the face of the anti-concussion/player safety movement he has been implementing. The crowd loves it. Goodell gives the Cardinals Lane Johnson, OT Oklahoma, drops the mic, and cues up the music. He’s in rare form tonight, folks.
8. At #8 is the long suffering Buffalo Bills. They haven’t fielded a legitimate contender since the George Bush era… yeah, the father. That fact alone makes it hard to rag on them too much. So, instead of dragging this out with some type of ridiculous scenario, Marv Levy’s zombie corpse walks up to the podium and selects Chance Warmack, OG Alabama.
9. J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! Note to Jet fans… everyone hates your stupid chant. In fact, we hate it almost as much as your stupid team. Actually, that’s not fair to your football team. They’ve provided us with plenty of highlights over the years. Highlights like foot fetish videos, and Tim Tebow, and the butt fumble. Sorry, had to do it. Meanwhile, Rex Ryan heads to the podium and with the ninth pick in the draft selects Leon Sandcastle. They just traded away Darrell Revis for nickels on the dollar so they could use a new corner. Apparently they didn’t get the memo that it was a commercial and not real life. Instead, the Jets get Barkevious Mingo, DE/LB LSU.
10. With the 10th pick, the Titans could use some serious help. They’re kinda stuck in that no man’s land where they aren’t awful enough to get a really high pick in the draft, but they aren’t good enough to be a contender. If they were an NBA team, they’d be the Atlanta Hawks. Keeping in line with that theme, the Titans select Dominique Wilkins. This is a real brain buster. The Titans already have a player in Chris Johnson who is all sizzle and no substance. Why do they need another? Noticing the error of their ways, Goodell chimes in with his disapproval. On their do-over, the Titans opt for Jonathan Cooper, OG North Carolina.
11. And here we go again. The Browns are back on the clock and ready to make a selection… hopefully. Meanwhile, Jimmy Haslam is still running circles around the Federal Investigators who decided to make a surprise appearance. Not even Benny Hill himself made this much use out of Yackity Sax. He has somehow stretched a 4 minute song into a 45 minute running gag. At least he can do something right. Anyway, as for the football team, Papa Joe Banner steps up to the podium. The few Browns fans in attendance, bless their hearts of denial, boo him vigorously. Banner loves this shit. Rather than making the smart pick for a pass rusher, Banner instead gives a big eff you to the fans and Brandon Weeden by selecting Geno Smith, QB West Virginia. Great, if Pilot Flying J crumbles, maybe Jimmy and Geno can finance the Browns with moonshine.
12. At #12 is the Dolphins. Does anyone really care about anything anyone at this sorry sad sack of an organization has to say? No, not really. They do have new logos and new uniforms this year. Obviously they saw how well that plan worked for the Marlins and decided to follow suit. I kid, I kid. But seriously, people in Miami are terrible. With the 12th pick in the draft, the Dolphins select… LeBron James. Wait for it… Wait for it… GOOD GOD THAT’S DAVID STERN’S MUSIC!!! The Commish is having no part of this and slams the Dolphins representative with a steel chair. Apparently LeBron will not be a Dolphin after all. Instead, the Dolphins get D.J. Fluker, OT Alabama.
13. J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!… Seriously, go away. Nobody likes you. Apparently ESPN never got the memo on this. They insist on reairing every sports center clip from last August concerning the Jets. In fact, they’ve compiled it all into a new 30 for 30 documentary entitled “When There’s No Plan B: The Story of the 2012 New York Jets”. The Jets absolutely love the publicity and decide to select ESPN with the 13th overall pick. It’s a bold move. Instead of one person, the Jets chose an entire network full of people. Tempted to let the selection go unchallenged in order to save everyone from 15 more years of Chris Berman, Goodell eventually butts in and forces the Jets to take Tavon Austin, WR West Virginia instead.
14. The Panthers are on the clock. Does anyone care? *Cricket noises* I didn’t think so. Could there be a more generic franchise? The sad part is they have one of the most dynamic offensive forces in the game with QB Cam Newton. Unfortunately, that’s all they really have going for them. Well, that and an owner who consistently makes you wonder if he A. squeaks when he walks and B. is a charter member of the KKK. Other than that things are just great. Speaking of which, Jerry Richardson decides to make this pick for his team and after a brief explanation for why the strike was necessary and how he’s losing money selects Sheldon Richardson, DT Missouri.
15. This is the highest draft pick the Saints have had in years. Being a regular Super Bowl contender hasn’t given them many opportunities to draft outside of the mid 20’s for quite some time. Honestly, I don’t think they’ll know how to handle themselves. Sean Payton makes his way to the podium, but as he walks past Roger Goodell he flips him the bird. After cutting a lengthy 10 minute promo slamming everyone from Goodell and other league officials, to the Falcons and all the snitches who deserve stitches, Payton selects Sylvester Williams, DT North Carolina. Nobody knows what’s more shocking, the promo or the fact that the Saints made a legitimate pick that didn’t require interference from the commish.
16. The Rams are on the clock. A lot was expected of the Rams in 2012. A lot of people thought they could potentially win the NFC West or at least compete for a wild card spot. So much for that. Thanks to the dominance for the 49ers and rise of the Seahwaks, the Rams seem headed for another third or fourth place finish in 2013. Hey, at least they aren’t the Cardinals. Too bad they have no weapons to surround Sam Bradford with. Because of that, they select Terrell Owens. Goodell informs them they can actually just sign him for cheap. On the do over, the Rams take Chad Ochocinco. Again, Goodell informs them they can sign him for cheap. Frustrated, the Rams change course and select Kenny Vaccaro, S Texas.
17. The Steelers are up. Oh, how I loathe the Steelers. As easy as it would be to throw a few pot shots at the Steelers for how terrible their 2012 season went, I really don’t have room to talk. I mean, their ownership cast off went ahead and purchased our football team and now might be going to prison. Thanks, Pittsburgh. Screw those guys. They take Jarvis Jones, LB Georgia. Let’s move on.
18. Jerry Jones makes his way to the podium to make the Cowboys first selection of the draft. What an arrogant son of a bitch… the man is a genius. Granted he’s bound to screw this pick up, BUT… he’s an icon… and not going to prison like our owner. Yes, I can not make fun of that point enough. Taking things a step further in terms of his megalomania, Jerry Jones the owner introduces Jerry Jones the GM. You can’t make this stuff up. With the pick, GM Jerry Jones selects Jonathan Cyprien, S Florida International. Owner Jerry Jones argues briefly saying the Cowboys should take “The big German fella” but it’s too late. The pick is official.
19. Next up is the Giants. Unlike the Jets, the Giants have actually accomplished things that are relevant, like winning two recent Super Bowls. They are totally the big brother to the Jets little brother. It’s ironic because one could argue they have the more successful Manning brother who just so happens to be the little brother. This whole thing is like trying to decide who is better between Fred and Ben Savage. Actually, the Giants know how to solve this debate. They select Paul Pfeiffer. Displeased, the almighty emperor of the NFL, aka Roger Goodell, changes this pick to Bjoern Werner, aka the big German fella.
20. The Bears are now on the clock. It’s been an interesting offseason for them to say the least. Lovie Smith is gone, but most notably, they parted ways with star linebacker Brian Urlacher. Everyone is waiting on the edge of their seat to see who will be the next great player the Bears eventually decide to undervalue. And the lucky recipient of a future filled with never-ending contract negotiations is… Tyler Eifert, TE Notre Dame.
21, It’s worth noting that at this point in the draft, Roger Goodell has dozed off for a quick power nap. All of the rum and cokes he’s been forced to drink in order to make it through this circus have finally caught up with him. Meanwhile, the Bengals are on the clock and for once they aren’t a total joke. They actually have a pretty solid foundation built and with both the Ravens and Steelers looking on the decline and the Browns owner going to prison (yup, did it again) the division is there’s for the taking. Surprisingly, they take the podium and go about their business like true professionals. Everyone is confused as hell. They take Eddie Lacy, RB Alabama.
22. The Rams are back on the clock. With Goodell sound asleep they decide to take another run at both Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco. The gasps from the crowd and sighs of disapproval awaken the commissioner. He’s angry and you won’t like him when he’s angry. He penalizes the Rams by suspending all hot dog vendors for the season. In an attempt to win him back over, the Rams take De’Andre Hoplins, WR Clemson.
23. The Vikings are on the clock and they could use a lot of help. After the way the 2012 season played out, they might as well call themselves the Minnesota Adrian Petersons. In an attempt to keep and all potential secrets concerning his recovery out of the news, the Vikings decide to select Dr. James Andrews. Roger Goodell is less than pleased by this. How will other players have freak recoveries from devastating injuries if Andrews is a Viking. They won’t that’s how. Rather than fight the system, the Vikings alter their pick to Manti Teo, LB Notre Dame. Let the catfishing jokes begin!
24. The Colts were the feel good story of 2012. Despite the fact their coach was stricken with cancer and they were starting a rookie QB, they still found a way to make the playoffs. Looking to build on this momentum and also hedge their bets against Pagano’s cancer returning, the Colts decide to select Bruce Arians. Everyone is confused, including Arians who was in attendance as the Cardinals representative. He politely declines his selection opting to stay with the Cardinals for reasons that can only be described as pure lunacy. Devastated, the Colts instead opt for Xavier Rhodes, CB Florida State.
25. Somehow the Vikings are back on the clock. No one really knows how or why this happened, but it’s much to late in the evening for anyone to figure out how it happened. There’s a 50% chance this pick is legitimately theirs and a 50% chance they simply tricked another team with some type of bait and switch involving a 1987 Toyota Corolla. Anyways, the Vikings decide to go with offense and select Justin Hunter, WR Tennessee.
26. The Packers had a disappointing end to their 2012 season. They looked like a Super Bowl contender, but a weak defense combined with a slaughtering at the hands of the 49ers ended their season prematurely. That’s something they will need to fix. They decide to do it by selecting Star Lotulelei, DT Utah. It’s almost a perfect fit. Lotulelei is considered to be one of the premier talents in the draft and at 26, fell much lower than what was expected. If he pans out as well as Aaron Rodgers, another player who plummeted in the draft, the Packers will be in business in 2013.
27. The Texans are on the clock. After years of finishing 8-8, they’ve apparently graduated to making the playoffs, winning one game, and then losing in the following round. Hey, at least they’re consistent. At #26 they opt to take a bit of insurance out on Andre Johnson and select WR Terrence Williams from Baylor.
28. The end is almost in sight. Only 5 more picks to go. Roger Goodell is a shell of his former self. At the beginning of the night he was all confidence and swagger. Now he is a sour combination of sweat and shame. NFL owners and front office executives will have that kind of effect on a man. Meanwhile, the Broncos need to replace Elvis Dumervil and what better way to do it than by selecting Datone Jones, DE UCLA. For the record, John Elway is still a stupid horse face.
29. Bill Belichick is on the clock. Will he trade down and hoard draft picks for the 9 millionth time, or will he actually decide to make a pick. While it’s reported that he was tempted to trade the 29th pick to Carolina for a second rounder, fourth rounder, and a bucket of KFC original recipe, Belichick decides to hold on to the pick and add talent where the need it most. With the 29th pick, the Pats select Keenan Allen, WR California.
30. Next we have the Falcons. They finally got over the hump last season and won a playoff game. With a solid core returning in 2013 it’s all about filling the few holes remaining on the roster. They were pillaged in the defensive backfield via free agency so in order to solve that problem Mike Smith selects Desmond Trufant, CB Washington. Sean Payton and his girlfriend are not impressed.
31. The Super Bowl runner-ups will simply take the best available talent here at 30. Jim Harbaugh, who is quite the hot head, decides that the best available talent is the Incredible Hulk. Unfortunately, the Hulk isn’t real. Roger Gooderll overrides the selection and instead the 49ers select Cordarrelle Patterson, WR Tennessee.
32. Finally, we have the Ravens. God, I hate the Ravens. Sure, I could make fun of how they might have overpaid for Joe Flacco and crippled their salary cap space moving forward, or how they lost a ton of players to free agency, but what’s the point? We all know how this story ends. Everyone picks the Ravens to regress, but instead they simply reload and find a way to win. It’s the same song and dance we’ve seen year in and year out for years now. Why should we expect it to change any time soon. Ozzie Newsome is just too good at what he does. With the final pick of round 1, the Ravens select… Arthur Brown, LB Kansas State.
And there you have it. A “Mock Draft” that is guaranteed to be about 75% wrong.