Letters From a Cleveland Fan: Jimmy Haslam’s Dirty Deeds

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Oooooooh, Jimmy.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy…

Candidly speaking, I think things are about to get a lot worse for you before they get better. Your series of press conferences over the past couple of days in the wake of the Pilot Flying J FBI/IRS raid have been quite noble, brave even, but the fact remains that you sir… are screwed.

Why beat around the bush on this? The FBI has numerous recorded conversations and sworn statements indicating you had an idea of what was going on. In fact,  not only do these pieces of evidence indicate that you knew the rebate scheme was going on, but that you loved it and even encouraged the practice of ripping off your customers. I’d say I’m surprised about all of this, but this is corporate America we’re talking about. Yours is just the next in a long line of corporate corruption that we have seen and will continue to see from now until the end of time. This is the type of crap big businesses do.

The real problem here is that thanks to your purchase of the Browns we are now associated with you. Your embarrassment is our embarrassment. So thanks for that. We all sincerely appreciate it.

That said… this has taken the whole being a Browns fan to a new level. This isn’t the usual crappy football related bumbling and stumbling we’ve come to know so well since 1999. No, this is something totally new to us and because it’s so new… it’s actually exciting!

I know I can’t wait to see how this all plays out and just how ridiculous it can get. Things have been so bad for so long that I wouldn’t even know what to do if the Browns were good. But this? I know how to deal with this.

Embrace it.

How many other teams can boast that their owner might be going to prison? How many teams can boast that their previous owner was so incompetent that he even found a way to eff up selling the team? How many teams have been looking for new uniforms for what seems like years and can now joke about using prison stripes? None of them. We have officially taken sucking to a whole new level.

No one… and I mean no one… sucks quite like us.

So Jimmy, while you fight the good fight against the governement and their seemingly insurmountable mountain of evidence against you, just know that the city of Cleveland is standing behind you. Not so much to catch you if and when you should fall, but more so we don’t miss the comedic crash and burn that is sure to follow. We’re kinda like a-holes in that sense. But hey, such is life as a Browns fan.

Sincerely,

Cleveland Fan

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