Ravens Make it to the Super Bowl… #*%$!!!!

How do I get to the I-480 bridge again?

As the score became more and more lopsided and the clock ticked ever closer to zero in yesterday’s AFC Championship game, it started to sink in. The Baltimore Ravens were headed to the Super Bowl for the second time in franchise history.

Cleveland’s nightmare has become a reality… again.

Crap!

So this means that for the next two weeks we get to endure heartfelt story after heartfelt story about Ray Lewis and how he’s such a great person and how he means so much to Baltimore and how much Baltimore means to him. Oh, and we’re going to get to hear all about how the loss of Art Modell earlier this season has given them something to play for and given them purpose.

I want to throw up.

This is awful. This is your ex-girlfriend winning the Miss America pageant and then showing up on your door step three days later to kick you squarely in the nuts. I think I can speak for every Browns fan when I say that, without question… This. Sucks.

And what do we do if the Ravens actually win the Super Bowl? Are they going to let Ray Lewis say he’s going to Disney World this time? Are we all supposed to forget that he may have sorta, kinda, allegedly killed two people? Has everyone forgotten about that? Am I taking crazy pills?

The Baltimore Ratbirds are back in the Super Bowl… Everything is the worst.

All of that beside, this sucks. The Browns are terrible and in the middle of their 4,923th organizational rebuild in 13 years. Meanwhile, the former Browns are back in the Super Bowl. We’re figuring out whether or not our 30-year-old second year quarterback is the real deal. The Ravens have a stud quarterback, and running back, and wide receivers, and tight end, and defense… They have everything! The Browns have Mike Lombardi.

Man, this just keeps getting better.

Oh, wait… that’s not everything. The Super Bowl is in New Orleans this year. Coincidentally, I live in New Orleans. I get to put up with Raven fans for an entire week. If the Ravens win their stupid fans will get to celebrate and party on the very street that I call home. Seriously… what did I do to deserve such a fate as this?

Looks like for the next two weeks I get to be a 49ers fan. Kolin Kaepernack is my new favorite player. Jim Harbaugh is my new football god. I’m already surfing the interwebs looking for an affordable Steve Young or Joe Montana jersey. I realize I’m probably jinxing the 49ers by rooting for them, but I can’t bring myself to root for the Ravens in an attempt to reverse jinx them. Plus, the sports gods are smarter than that. If I were to root for the Ravens, they would be sure to smite me in ways a sports fan has never been smited before.

What’s that? Art Modell is up for the Hall of Fame? You have got to be effing kidding me?

This sucks.

Go 49ers…

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