Letters From a Cleveland Fan: An Open Letter to Chip Kelly

Pssst! Hey… Hey, Cleveland… SCREW YOU!

Dear Chip Kelly,

So… Philadelphia, eh?

That’s cool. That’s cool. I get what’s going on here. Rather than take our godfather offer to come coach the Browns you decided that you would “go back to Oregon.” We know now that “go back to Oregon” really meant you were going to stick your thumb up your own butt, enjoy the strange sensation for ten days, and then make a mad dash for the toilet. In this instance, toilet is a metaphor for Philadelphia. Actually, no… it’s not a metaphor. Philadelphia is a toilet of a city.

Now, look. I get that you didn’t want to be the next head coach of the Browns and that’s fine. I could accept that and so could most other Browns fans. Rob Chudzinski isn’t the most ideal head coaching candidate in the world. But you know what? He’s ours. Chud belongs to us and even better… he wants to be here, unlike your fat, visor wearing, self-aggrandizing, spread option read running self. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but you sorta look like Mike Holmgren… only less walrusy-like. I think it’s the lack of a mustache.

While this might seem childish and maybe even a bit inspired by jealousy over you picking Philadelphia instead of Cleveland, I can assure you… It’s not. No one will ever be jealous of Philadelphia. Those people are effing messed up in the head. Yes, they have cheese steaks, but they also have batteries. Lots and lots of batteries and they aren’t afraid to throw them at players, Santa Claus, or probably even you. Maiming is a hobby for those people. So have fun with that.

Alright, fine… we threw beer bottles at referees that one time and nearly incited a riot. That’s a lot more bad ass than chucking batteries. Have sporting venues around the U.S. changed the rules about batteries? No, but they have changed the rules about alcohol because of us. Maybe by the end of the fourth quarter in week 14 next season their crazy asses will only want to beat you HALF to death once their buzzes wear off. You’re welcome.

The bottom line is this. We don’t like being lied to and used, Chip. We don’t enjoy being a bargaining chip to get a supposedly better, higher paying job. We don’t like being embarrassed. And, while we’re perfectly ok not having you on our sidelines running the Staute of Liberty play or the anexation of Puerto Rico (thank you, Little Giants), we don’t like the idea of the national media making a mockery of us over this. Which undoubtedly they will, especially if you actually end up being a good coach. Can’t wait to potentially see your intro presser in a highlight reel with the drive, fumble, shot, game 7, and the decision among others.

Ugh…

You will pay for your transgressions, Chip. Oh yes… there will be blood. Ok, maybe not blood… but their will be definitely be pain… if we play you during that one year every five years when we’re actually good at football. You’ve been warned!

So I say to you Chip Kelly, on behalf of all Browns fans…

F*ck you.

Sincerely,

Cleveland Fan

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4 thoughts on “Letters From a Cleveland Fan: An Open Letter to Chip Kelly

  1. For purposes of full disclosure, I am an Eagles fan. I’ve been chugging cheese-steaks and chucking batteries for over forty years.

    Having said that, I hate this hire, and for the same reasons I would implore you not to be upset that he didn’t take the Cleveland job.

    I get that he dicked you around, and I’d be pissed about that too. But what you aren’t realizing is that you may very well have dodged a bullet. This guy is a totally unproven commodity as an NFL head coach.. Sure, he may very well be successful, but he’s got an equally likely chance to be the next battery recipient.

    Let’s face it, Kelly has every shot to be the next Saban or Spurrier, meaning he blows into town as the great collegiate coach, and when he realizes that he’s never going to be better than a 5-11 NFL coach, and when he’s tired of being called “that visor-wearing c–ksucker” on the local sports radio station, he’s getting out of town for the next good college job that opens up.

    Remember that two years from now when Kelly is coaching the recently de-Kiffined USC and Chudzinski is still happy to be in Cleveland.

  2. Oh I totally agree we dodged a bullet on this one. I know it probably comes across as me being angry that he spurned us but it had more to do with feeling like he used us as leverage along with the inevitable Cleveland jokes that will come especially if he works out. But, I really liked the Chudzinski hire and have huge hopes for it. I actually wanted them to hire him back when Crennel was fired but instead they opted for Mangini instead. Loved what he did with our offense in 2007.

  3. Your sports acumen may be remarkable, but I would highly suggest a trip to an optometrist. Your city is the cultural equivalent of a wet fart. By wet fart I mean, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, The Flats, etc.

    I went to Wooster in 1990’s and the only remarkable thing about NE Ohio that has changed since living there for four years is that it looks even more like shit than it did then.

    Oh, for your reading pleasure: http://www.lonelyplanet.com/usa/travel-tips-and-articles/77583

    1. You forgot the part where our river caught on fire, we dont see the sun 8 months out of the year, and that our economy was tied to lebron james for 7 years. If you’re gonna rip on us at least do it right.

      Besides, at least neither of us live in pittsburgh.

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