Dear Chip Kelly,
So… Philadelphia, eh?
That’s cool. That’s cool. I get what’s going on here. Rather than take our godfather offer to come coach the Browns you decided that you would “go back to Oregon.” We know now that “go back to Oregon” really meant you were going to stick your thumb up your own butt, enjoy the strange sensation for ten days, and then make a mad dash for the toilet. In this instance, toilet is a metaphor for Philadelphia. Actually, no… it’s not a metaphor. Philadelphia is a toilet of a city.
Now, look. I get that you didn’t want to be the next head coach of the Browns and that’s fine. I could accept that and so could most other Browns fans. Rob Chudzinski isn’t the most ideal head coaching candidate in the world. But you know what? He’s ours. Chud belongs to us and even better… he wants to be here, unlike your fat, visor wearing, self-aggrandizing, spread option read running self. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but you sorta look like Mike Holmgren… only less walrusy-like. I think it’s the lack of a mustache.
While this might seem childish and maybe even a bit inspired by jealousy over you picking Philadelphia instead of Cleveland, I can assure you… It’s not. No one will ever be jealous of Philadelphia. Those people are effing messed up in the head. Yes, they have cheese steaks, but they also have batteries. Lots and lots of batteries and they aren’t afraid to throw them at players, Santa Claus, or probably even you. Maiming is a hobby for those people. So have fun with that.
Alright, fine… we threw beer bottles at referees that one time and nearly incited a riot. That’s a lot more bad ass than chucking batteries. Have sporting venues around the U.S. changed the rules about batteries? No, but they have changed the rules about alcohol because of us. Maybe by the end of the fourth quarter in week 14 next season their crazy asses will only want to beat you HALF to death once their buzzes wear off. You’re welcome.
The bottom line is this. We don’t like being lied to and used, Chip. We don’t enjoy being a bargaining chip to get a supposedly better, higher paying job. We don’t like being embarrassed. And, while we’re perfectly ok not having you on our sidelines running the Staute of Liberty play or the anexation of Puerto Rico (thank you, Little Giants), we don’t like the idea of the national media making a mockery of us over this. Which undoubtedly they will, especially if you actually end up being a good coach. Can’t wait to potentially see your intro presser in a highlight reel with the drive, fumble, shot, game 7, and the decision among others.
You will pay for your transgressions, Chip. Oh yes… there will be blood. Ok, maybe not blood… but their will be definitely be pain… if we play you during that one year every five years when we’re actually good at football. You’ve been warned!
So I say to you Chip Kelly, on behalf of all Browns fans…