Browns Monday Mailbag: The Week I Finally Catch Up

Hi! Remember me? I used to write here every day about all things Cleveland sports. I’ve been kind of lacking lately. Sorry about that. It’s been kinda busy, but I’m back! So without further ado…

The Browns played a game Yesterday and well… it didn’t go well.  Not only did they lose, but it wasn’t really that competitive and just ended up being one huge disappointment. Guess that means it’s time for another Browns Monday Mailbag, the only Browns mail bag on the internet where the emails are 100% fake, but still find a way to be 100% blatantly honest.

And for the record, I’m willing to answer actual Browns emails from real people if anyone wants to send me one or two or a dozen at

So remember when the Browns won three games in a row and everyone was saying we had to keep Pat Shurmur around for another season? Ya, those were some good times, better times even. I mean, yesterday’s game was ONLY one game. That shouldn’t be anywhere near enough to actually change the opinions of the hearts and minds of Browns fans about my… i mean Pat Shurmur’s future, should it? Remember the good times… REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES!!! -Pat, Uhaul rental center

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh, Pat…

Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat… You always know how to cheer me up and give me a good chuckle even when you’re not trying to. Have you thought about a career in comedy? After all, it looks like you’re going to be looking for work in about two weeks.

But in all seriousness, I think it’s safe to say we all got a bit too carried away with this Shurmur ’13 nonsense. Today might not be victory Monday in the legitimate sense, but metaphorically speaking it is. It’s a victory because we were all reminded of just how God-awful you are as an NFL head coach. I can’t believe I actually defended you last week. What was I thinking?

Actually I know what I was thinking. We were riding a three game winning streak and throwing the P-word around even though we had to have about 4 million things go our way. So while it appears your fate is sealed today, if you can somehow win the final two games of the season there’s a legitimately decent shot that our fragile psyches will be willing to give you another chance in 2013. We’re a little bit bipolar and a lot self-loathing like that. No pressure.

Crap… -Brandon, Film room

Ya, crap is right. I don’t want to say you were awful yesterday. That’s not strong enough of a word. You were effing terrible. You couldn’t get the ball down field, you could hardly complete a pass over 5 yards when they weren’t getting batted back in your face, and you held on to the ball WAY too long. While Russell Wilson was making his case to be added to the conversation for rookie of the year honors, you were making your case to be on the first train out of town come December 31st along with Pat Shurmur. You hadn’t shown a tremendous amount of improvement from week 1 to week 14, but in week 15 it seemed like you tumbled backwards about 45 steps in the learning process. You have two more games to prove yourself, Brandon. I suggest you make the most of it.

What is this bootleg/QB waggle thing of which you speak? -Dick, Living under a rock

Well this is new. I can;t say you’ve ever written into this ridiculous concept of an article series before. Guess there’s a first time for everything… sorta like yesterday when it seemed like it was the first time you ever saw a bootleg off of a play action fake. I swear to God I think Kirk Cousins just threw another TD pass. What were you thinking yesterday? Did you even try to make adjustments? Was your line of thinking that there was no way they’ll do it again, nah they won’t do that again, ok… that was the last time they’re going to do that only to realize with about 5 minutes left in the game that they were just going to keep on doing it? Unbelievable. You’re supposed to be the one thing we can count on week to week and in the biggest game of the year you let us all down. Thanks for nothing… Dick.

O-H… Tell me how my *blank* tastes! -Kirk, Washington D.C.

Like disappointment and disgust. Thanks a lot. Michigan State still sucks, though.

Hi! My name’s Trent. Remember when I was drafted with the #3 overall pick to be the savior of the franchise, the first legitimate can’t miss skill position player the Browns have taken in years? I still play for the Browns. My name IS ON THE ROSTER. I touched the ball 11 times yesterday. These are facts. -Trent, Alone in a dark room

That is another reason why Shurmur has to go. Now that I’m thinking clearly and logically I can point once again to the fact that in Pat Shurmur’s stupid west coast offense, Richardson is sorely underused. How does he get only 11 touches for the entire game, not including his three receptions for a whopping 4 yards? It’s not like this was a rout from the get go and the Browns had no choice but to pass the entire game. They actually had a lead… AT HALF TIME! It’s unbelievable. Meanwhile, Adrian Peterson is running for 212 yards on 28 carries and proving once again that a quality running game can make a difference. But, how would we know? We only have the best running back prospect since Adrian Peterson and refuse to give him the ball… ever…


What the hell is going on with Browns fans? -Redskins in attendance Sunday

I have no concrete data or facts to back any of this up, but here’s my rationale for the absurd and embarrassing behavior of Browns fans not just this past Sunday, but for some time now…

The Browns suck. So much so that the only thing to do is to go to the games and drink. Tailgating has turned into the only redeeming quality of going to a Browns game. Combine that with the heavy college aged crowd fueled by the need to get plastered and one up stories from the days of yore and it’s a recipe for disaster. Adding to the problem is that sane and rational people want nothing to do with that environment meaning there are more tickets available for idiots who can go down to the stadium and get drunk, piss all over the place, and get into fist fights. It’s embarrassing. Why would anyone want to actually go down there?

That’s just my two cents.

Can we please get new contracts? -Josh and Phil, The hearts of Browns fans everywhere

It seems all but evident that Sunday was the final home game for both Josh Cribbs and Phil Dawson. With free agency looming and a new ownership/player personnel regime looming that wants to cut costs and place funds elsewhere on the team, it seems more than likely that their days in orange and brown are numbered.

And it’s a total shame.

Dawson will go down as the greatest kicker in Browns history. Sure some will still cite Lou Groza, but from my vantage point, it’s Dawson. On top of it, he has transformed himself into the best kicker in the game today. He has kicking in Cleveland Browns Stadium down to a science. I’m sorry, you just don’t give that up. When you have someone who is the best at what they do, you pay the premium for it. He’s cash money when it comes to clutch kicking and I want him on this team when the Browns are finally good. Not some rookie kicker earning $500,000 dollars per game that we picked up off the streets.

As for Cribbs, I still feel like he has something left in the tank and something left to prove. Say what you will about his salary in relation to his actual on the field production, but you’ll never be able to convince me that the Browns have every used him correctly. We’ve seen it in back to back weeks that when you give him the ball he can make things happen. Mark my words, if Cribbs does go somewhere else, he’s going to make everyone in Cleveland look very stupid so long as he can stay healthy.


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