Browns Monday Mailbag… on a Thursday

The Browns played 4 games since my last post… Holy crap, I’ve been slacking! Actually I haven’t been so much slacking as I have been insanely busy doing grown up things. Anyways, a lot has happened between then and now but one steadfast truth remains… the Browns are still awful. I guess that means it’s time for a Browns Monday Mailbag…. on a Thursday, the only Browns mail bag on the internet where the emails are 100% fake, but still find a way to be 100% blatantly honest.

How the hell have you people been doing this going on 14 seasons in a row now? This is awful. Just… awful. I feel like I want to throw up and punch a baby all at the same time. When is this feeling going to go away? What have I done? – Jimmy, Knoxville TN

Welcome to Cleveland Browns football, Jimmy! Welcome to the party! We have a bag of stale chips on the table and a keg full of skunky beer over in the corner. Help yourself. And by all means, do make yourself comfortable because uhhh… that feeling you’re feeling… it’s going to linger until about sometime around New Years. Hide the babies!

Holmgren is gone!?!? Why hast thou forsaken me?!?! What am I supposed to do now? Without Mike around, who is going to stroke my fragile ego and insure me that I’m somehow doing a good job even though it’s blatantly obvious to anyone with half of a brain that I’m the most incompetent coach in the league? I mean seriously, have you been watching the games? I just got outcoached in Indianapolis by the Colt’s interim/fill-in coach. I’m not qualified to be doing this job! What on Earth was I thinking when I signed up for this? I mean uhhhh… that Pat Shurmur, he sure is a whiz kid, right?… RIGHT? We DID win a game afterall. Pat, Supply Closet, Cleveland Browns Stadium

Oh Pat… I don’t even know where to begin with this. While I’m willing to admit that you were in no way shape or form qualified to be a head coach in the NFL and never should have been hired in the first place, you did sign up for the job. You had to have an idea of what you were getting yourself into. And while i’m willing to accept the fact you never should have been hired, I’m more confused by how terrible you actually are. I don’t even think you’re getting better at this whole coaching thing. i think you might actually be getting worse. I know, normally people get better as they gain experience, but you… you keep regressing. Just when we think things can;t get any worse you go ahead and punt on 4th and 1 with absolutely nothing to play for and then say it all worked out in the end even though we lost the game. How? Why? Ummm… My brain hurts. Please, just go away. Take your hands off of my football team and just go away. I’m begging you.

My ribs hurt, like… a lot. Why was I playing on Sunday? Trent, Trainer’s Room

Please refer to my previous answer. That should tell you everything you need to know about why you were on the field Sunday when it was blatantly obvious you shouldn’t have been. Then again, any time you can place your best player and the #3 overall pick from the most recent draft in harm’s way and risk further injury you almost always have to do it.

Know any good BBQ joints I can stop at on my road trip to Southern California and/or Seattle? Mike, Moving Van on I-90

You know what, Mike? You can take your stupid road trip and the bajillion dollars you’re riding out of town on and shove them straight up your… ugh. Where is Eric Mangini? Did I really just say that? How did we get to this point?

See! it’s not just me that has trouble catching potential game winning touchdown passes. What now? *Usain Bolt pose* -Greg, Parking Lot

Ok, point well made. Josh Gordon’s dropped TD catch on Sunday was even easier than the one you dropped against the Ravens oh so many weeks ago. Then again, Gordon has made about as many big plays in the past four games as you’ve made in your entire career so far. Actually, he’s probably made twice as many big plays in just a fraction of the games. How about we fix that? Deal?

Can someone please save me from football Siberia? I’ve been trapped here since 1999 and I’m beginning to lose my mind. Please… send help! -Phil, Practice Field

We’re right there with you Phil… Right there with you.

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