Hurricane Isaac: Surviving the Storm… Tuesday

Let’s get ready to rummmmmmmmmmmmmmblllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!

So back in the days leading up to the landfall of Hurricane Isaac I wrote a series of posts chronicling my preparations for the storm and the impending potential for it to inconvenience me for days on end. As it turns out, a lot of people, and I do mean a lot of people found those posts to be hilarious. Unfortunately, thanks to said storm I lost power and Internet for quite a few days and never got the chance to update what happened during the storm and after. Well, I’ve finally got a chance to sit down and write the next installment… two weeks after the fact. So sit back, relax, and hopefully enjoy.

As a disclaimer I just want to say that by no means am I trying to diminish the impact the storm had on people here along the Gulf Coast. I know quite a few people who were flooded out of there houses and lost quite a bit. There’s also a lot of people I don’t know who still have their lives turned upside down to that bastard named Isaac. This is simply me making fun of my situation as it pertained to the storm. I realize I could have had it much, much worse and I was lucky this time around. So to the inevitable few people who are going to be offended by me “making fun of a bad situation” just stop now. I’m making more fun of myself than anything else. That said, here goes nothin’.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So when I last left off, I had finished hurricane preparations on Monday and was ready for this storm to start. In all honesty, I didn’t really know what to expect from all of this. I didn’t know if it was just going to be a little bit of rain mixed with some gusty winds… aka a whole lot to do about nothing… or if it was going to be complete and total devastation resulting in our apartment breaking in two and sinking like the Titanic… minus the cellos and Kathy Bates fighting for a spot on a life boat.

OK, Kathy Bates can come on the life boat so long as she promises not to crush my ankles with a sledgehammer and a block of wood…

We woke up on Tuesday and decided that it was probably in our best interest to make one last run to the store for emergency supplies. In other words we needed more potato chips and Pop Tarts in the event that we lost power and could no longer cook meals for ourselves. I’m honestly not sure how this differed from any other day though because our “cooking” tends to be nothing more than Pop Tarts and hamburger helper. We’re classy like that.

What we discovered at our friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart was not a good omen. We were able to snag one last bag of regular Lays, but as for Pop Tarts it was no dice. Unless of course you’re a fan of low-fat blueberry. I don’t so much mind the blueberry ones, but have you ever had a “low-fat” Pop Tart? I’d rather eat the cardboard roll from a roll of toilet paper after it’s been sitting in the bathroom for two weeks. They’re gross.

We got home from our last few errands with relative ease. It seemed like most people were more concerned with finishing up their own home preparations and getting into fist fights over gas than buying food. It wasn’t until later in the afternoon we began seeing our first signs of Isaac. In all honesty, it was just a stiff breeze every now and then but you could tell it was different. It would be periods of some pretty strong winds followed by dead calm. It went on like that for a good two hours. Then out of nowhere, the rain started… And then it kept raining… And then it rained some more. Don’t believe me? This was my view from my balcony for a good two and a half days…

A picture of rain… Quite possibly the most boring picture ever to grace the Internet with its presence. You’re welcome, Internet

Two things. First, A hurricane brings with it a lot of rain. You don’t actually understand how much until you actually witness it for yourself first hand. Combined with the wind it’s even worse. My balcony was essentially a decent imitation of the Maid of the Mist, the American version… because Canada sucks. Playing in it is fun though. You go outside for 2 minutes and you come back in feeling like you jumped into a swimming pool. Not that I was outside playing in the hurricane… that much.

Second, hurricanes smell like crap. Imagine that smell you smell when you go to the zoo or Sea World and hang out by the Sea Lions. It’s that weird fishy, marine, sea animal kind of smell. It’s gross, but I guess it makes sense though. I mean, these things do pick up ocean water and carry it hundreds of miles onto land. I’m sure along with it comes a ton of whale and seal pee, among other things.

“FISH!” “I’m le tired…” “It’s smells funny”

Anyways, Tuesday afternoon went on and on and on with a series of heavy rains followed by periods of dryness. We weren’t in the heart of the storm so we were still experiencing the outer bands as they flew over our heads. Each time it started back up though, we would wonder to each other whether or not this was when the big storm was finally going to happen. No dice. Nothing really happened on Tuesday worth mentioning. It was just a regular, ordinary day mixed with some smelly, heavier than normal rain and some wind.

There was one sign though that trouble was ahead though. I went outside during one of the storm breaks and what did I see? A purple sky… seriously, the sky was effing purple! That’s normal, right? RIGHT?!?! No? Damn…

This picture doesn’t do it justice, but even Barney the dinosaur would have been like, “Holy shit, the Sky’s purple!”

For as boring as Tuesday afternoon was, Tuesday night became that much more interesting. The storm had finally made landfall in the lower parts of the state and had begun unleashing it bad assery upon everything in it’s path. We pretty much watched Fox 8 and The Weather Channel non-stop. The Weather Channel was good because we got to see everyone’s favorite harbinger of death, Jim Cantore, describe the devilish details of the storm and let us now when exactly we could expect the Earth to split open and for his unholy master, Satan, to pop up and wipe us all out. It was basically as depressing as it sounded.

When we felt like we needed a pick me up we’d flip it over to Fox 8 and watch everyone’s favorite Keebler Elf work his magic. There’s nothing as calming as watching Bob Breck scurry around the studio like a rapid squirrel tripping mad balls on a bad batch of acid. It’s great. It also gave us a chance to see all of the Fox 8 correspondents standing in the storm reporting on whose fence fell over and which puddles were threatening to unite into one super ultra mega puddle. That’s the thing, the national media likes to portray it as epic disaster for ratings. Then you watch the local news and realize it’s not that bad.

A hurricane is coming…Save the cookies!!!

What was bad was the level or boredom that began to set in as the night wore on. Watching the news can get boring after a while. Especially when the news entails watching it rain. The only thing I could imagine being worse would be reports on paint drying and grass growing. Of course, one has to keep things in the proper perspective. At least we had power and TV to watch. Some people didn’t have such luxuries as Isaac had begun an assault of Chuck Norris style back roundhouse kicks on the power lines in the city of New Orleans. Each and every hour they’d report how many more people were without electricity. By 11 or 12 that night, the amount of neighborhoods without power was mind-boggling, as you can see below. All of the red, those are outages.

Everyone in the red was being forced into family bonding time for the first time since 1997…

It was around 1:30 AM when the unthinkable happened. My television froze… and then my internet stopped dead in its tracks. I wasn’t really worried because this happens every once in a while. Either the system can’t handle everything going on in Charter’s network or the router needs to reboot or something, so I waited patiently for the blue light to click back on. And then I waited. And then I waited some more. Finally, in an act of desperation, I reset EVERYTHING… no dice.

Hurricane Isaac had officially dropped a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick on my internet connection…

Hurricane Isaac… an artist’s life-like rendering.

That dirty son of a… What did I ever do to Hurricane Isaac that he felt it necessary to remove both my internet and my cable TV from the equation. Didn’t he know I had a somewhat humorous internet diary of these events to upload? Didn’t it know that I needed access to the Google machine in order to find witty images to better illustrate my points? Even more importantly, I still had two fantasy baseball teams to manage and one last fantasy football draft to prepare for. What a jerk… Seriously.

So, with the realization setting in that I had lost my connection to the outside world for at least the rest of the night, I decided it was probably best to simply go to bed. What fun did Isaac have in store for us on Wednesday? What other eff you did mother nature want to throw our way? After all, the storm had just finally made it onto land. We still had another day of heavy winds, buckets of rain, and power line roundhouse kicks to deal with. We also had a new enemy with which to contend with… Boredom.

Stay tuned…

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