The Marlins Don’t Need No Alibi They Ugly

Last night the Indians four game winning streak came to an end. It was a good game; close, well pitched, hard-fought… all the typical adjectives you’d use to describe a 3-2 ballgame. However, I’d be able to stomach the loss more easily if it hadn’t come at the hands of the newly branded Miami Marlins, owners of the ugliest effing uniforms in all of baseball. Let’s just make a quick run down everything that’s wrong with these bad boys, shall we?

Where to begin? Well, first off the logo… I get that it’s Miami and Miami notoriously starts with the letter “M”. You know how I’m 100% positive of this? Because the Marlins made an enormous M their primary logo. Not only that, but they also decided that it would be a good idea to bevel it and color in all the different shading with day-glow highlighters.

I would really like to know what they were thinking with this. As if the thing isn’t bad enough in its own right, they also added a funky silhouette of a Marlin as well. I get it. It’s Miami. They have bright vivid colors everywhere and the city itself is pretty gaudy. But come on… the logo is a joke, especially with all the black for black’s sake. The Yankee Loving Fiancée’s 6-year-old cousin could have done better… and trust me, Pablo Picasso she is not.

Once you get past the logo there’s the whole uniform issue. Again, black for black’s sake makes a prominent appearance, especially in the road alternate… because it’s black. Combine that with all the orange going on in the minute details and it starts to look like they’re getting ready for a Halloween party. There’s also an issue with the font of the numbers. Something about it just screams amateur hour, maybe it’s the day glow drop shadowing they’ve chosen to incorporate. They also look a bit smaller than your typical uniform numbers, especially when plastered on the humongous back of closer Heath Bell.

Oh, and as if things couldn’t possibly get any worse… they have an orange alternate as well. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind it so much (remember, I am a Browns fan. For a few months every year I bleed a strange combination of orange and brown), but given the layout of the uniform and the logos and just everything going on with their new brand… I can’t stand to look at them. Everything is too busy, but again that’s probably the point. Making everything loud and busy plays more into the theme of Miami. Seriously though, pick a primary color and two secondary colors and be done with it.

So with two more games left to go in this series, it’ll be interesting to see what retina burning strategy the Marlins take in order to defeat the Indians. Will they go with the Orange tops, hats, helmets, and socks? Will they stick with the villainous all black motif? I think I’d be most surprised to see traditional road grays at this point. Meanwhile the Indians will continue to chug along with the simple, classic look of their plain whites and cream-colored alternates.

Oh, and in case anyone was wonder… I still can’t stand Ozzie Guillen. He finally leaves the White Sox after all these years and we still get stuck seeing his stupid face. Thanks, Major League Baseball! You guys are the best.


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