Letters from a Cleveland Fan: An Open Letter to Cardinals Fans

So in the ever continuing process of coming up with regular schticks to use on this site, I present to you a new, continuing series I like to call, Letters From a Cleveland Fan.  My first open letter… to fans of the St. Louis Cardinals.


Dear St. Louis Cardinals Fan,
Hey… How’s it going?  You doing ok?  I know you’ve had a rough couple of days given everything that’s gone on with Albert Pujols, but I just wanted to take a second and tell you… It’s going to be ok.  Trust me.  I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this.  Everything is going to be alright.
How Do I know it’s going to be alright?  Because I’ve been here before.  I’ve had more franchise guys leave my city than you have bbq rib joints.  Albert Belle, Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, “The One Who Shall Not Be Named”… I can keep going.  Sure, it hurts at first and you feel a bit like you just got donkey punched in the nut sack… but it’ll be ok.  It won’t hurt forever.  The feelings of anger and sudden interest in pyromania will subside. 
In fact, why even bother being angry?  So what if one of the greatest hitters in the history of baseball decided he wanted to abandon the prestige of playing for one of baseball’s most iconic and tradition rich organizations for one that was once owned by Disney and gave birth to the rally monkey and thunder sticks.  I mean, I know it’s been a torturous 42 days since you last won the World Series, but this doesn’t mean your drought will last another 6 decades full of heartache, misfortune, and unexplainable collapses like I’ve experienced rooting for the Indians.  We’ve won 1 championship in the past 48 years as a city in any sport, you’ve won 3 since 1999 and 2 in the past five years, so I totally feel for you and your current predicament.
Not to mention, I know how much you were looking forward to paying a 42-year-old first baseman $25 million in 2021.  The fact that the Angels stole that kind of opportunity from you is unforgivable.  How dare they rob you of what can only be considered one of the most sound financial investments ever.  Guess you’ll just have to make do with bums like Matt Holliday, Chris Carpenter, David Freese, Yadier Molina, Adam Wainwright, Allen Craig, Jason Motte, Jaime Garcia, Ryan Theriot, and whoever you’re able to add via free agency or trade.  I don’t envy your position… at all.  Enjoy you’re 2012 season without Albert Pujols, Cardinals Fan.  It’s sure to be a tough one.
Cleveland Fan

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