Great Battles in History: Me vs. My Internet… Updated!

Me and my internet have a unique relationship.  When it wants to work, everything is great.  We get along like the best of friends.  I download music, talk with friends, and stalk people on Facebook.  All the while, my internet provides me with the proper amount of bandwidth to get everything accomplished and then some.  It really makes me appreciate living in the era that I was fortunate enough to be birthed into.

Then there are the times when my internet and modem decide to be about as useful as a dog turd that’s been left to bake in the summer sun.  Update my Facebook status or Twitter… Nope!  Watch random a random YouTube video… Nope!  Check my email… HELL NO!  I swear it’s like living with the Soup Nazi, only if he was a small white plastic box sporting an AT&T logo and a series of flashing lights for eyes.  NO INTERNET FOR YOU!

Needless to say, it’s a love hate relationship.

I love it when it’s working.  Then it find new inconvenient times to stop working because for some strange reason this inanimate object finds joy in watching me curse like a sailor and storm across the living room ready to smack it like a puppy that just peed on the carpet.  Honestly, I think I’m at the point where my modem could sprout tiny little legs, hop off the counter, and take a whiz in front of my TV and it wouldn’t even phase me.  Is this what Stockholm Syndrome is like?

Now, I know what all of you are thinking.  “Why don’t you just call AT&T and complain about it?”  Well, that’s because I’m a man and would rather try to fix everything myself rather than call “the man.”  It’s a design flaw and I choose to blame mother nature.  Despite knowing that calling AT&T is probably the best option, I’d rather mess with settings I have no business messing with and scream at my modem like a disobedient child…

I also like to think of my modem as a living breathing entity acting on its own and AT&T has nothing to do with any of this.  It’s out to get me and I have no choice but to stop it.  I’m not 100% certain but I think my modem might be Skynet.  I swear, I’m not crazy.

At times I feel like the modem and the Yankee Loving Fiancée are in cahoots with one another.  I’ll be minding my own business when suddenly I’ll hear in a faint voice from the other side of the couch, “the internet died again.”  I think she finds joy in watching me, a person who typically doesn’t lose my cool or let anything phase me, go bat $hit crazy over something so stupid.  I’m on to her.

So where am I going with this.  Well, I am offering my modem and internet a truce.  If it stops cutting out at the most inopportune times, I’ll stop threatening to see if it can float in the bath tub or sprout wings as it flies from my second story balcony.  It’s up to him in all honesty.  I’ve extended the olive branch of peace.  Just know that if it doesn’t accept this ceasefire, I won’t hesitate to pull the hammer out of my tool box and commence a shock and awe campaign on its plastic encased self.  Hopefully, it won;t come to that.

Modem… you’ve been warned.


So in an attempt to up the stakes in this great battle, my internet and modem have reached a new low.  In recent weeks, there haven’t really been any issues.  It was almost as if it was aware of what I wrote and the things I had said and decided to opt for a cease-fire.  Little did I know this was all a ploy to lull me into a false sense of security.

Two nights ago the internet crapped out.  I don’t just mean it slowed down and cut off here and there.  No.  It just up and decided it didn’t want to work.  After 4 hours of fighting with it and going through withdrawals I finally broke down, broke man code and called AT&T.  The problem.

“There is a network error in your area and we are working to remedy the problem.  Estimated time for solution to the problem: 12:57 AM… or 4 years from now.  Ok, so I’m embellishing that last part a bit.  Eventually it came back, but then last night around 7 PM… it crapped out… AGAIN!

I do believe it’s driving me to the brink of insanity.  Between it not working and the Yankee Loving Fiancée giving me the stink eye to call AT&T, I was having visions of taking a hammer to the modem and ending this war once and for all.

Well played internet… well played.


4 thoughts on “Great Battles in History: Me vs. My Internet… Updated!

  1. Call. I have Charter (which is North Carolina for the devil) and just moved to a place the internet hates. It keeps cutting out. And they keep knocking money off my bill. Seriously, I haven’t had to pay for internet since May. And my internet is currently working…
    I thought about you today. A friend sent me a link on cities with the most depressed sports fans- and Cleveland won. So, you need to put that frown upside down. Funny, I applied for a job in Cleveland two weeks ago. Andddddd haven’t heard anything. Hope all’s well in the Indian camp.

  2. Seriously, I almost wrote this very piece about a month ago – simply replace “AT&T” with “Comcast” and we’re there…

    1. So i had ATT come out and try and figure out what was going on. the first service tech told me that everything was registering fine on my end, but after he surfed the web for a good 5 minutes was like “yeah… something’s definitely wrong though.”

      so he sent out a second more high tech service guy who checked out the outside stuff and told me its an outside issue between the offices and that something isn’t working right on their end and that the ENTIRE city I live in is having the same issue and i’m not alone. supposedly, the issue will be fixed in the next day or two.

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