So later today I will be making my way up to the vast wilderness that is Canada. Why the hell would I be going to Canada you ask? One word: vacation. I won’t have any interent access so i’ve prepared a bunch of posts scheduled to load every day while i’m gone. Since I have no way of preparing sports posts because I can’t see into the future, all of these posts are going to be completely 100% random… with the exception of what I expect from Ohio State this year on Saturday. Besides, if I could predict the future I’d be so rich right now. Anyways, I hope you enjoy… Oh and as for today’s post I apologize to my Canadian readers. You guys can take a joke right?
I’m sure a lot of you are even more confused by this concept. “You’re going to Canada for a vacation?” That seems to be the general response whenever I’ve told someone about this trip. No one seems to understand what is so appealing about going to Canada and that’s reasonable. I’d probably have the same reaction if the roles were reversed.
So why the hell am I going to Canada for a vacation and not to the white sand beaches of Florida or somewhere tropical? Well, for starters I live in New Orleans. In case any of you weren’t aware, it’s hot as hell in Louisiana 90% of the year. Why would I want to go to a place where it’s also hot and bake on a beach? I’d rather go spend the weekend on a lake freezing my ass off in 50 or 60 degree weather. Second, I’m not exactly Daddy Warbucks here. This was the cheapest possible vacation that could actually be considered enjoyable.
With that in mind, this is the first venture into Canada. Needless to say, I have a few preconceived and narrow-minded Amercian views of Canada that have been established inside my head thanks to years of television and movies. What are they exactly? Well, you’re about to find out.
My top 5 Preconceived Notions of Canada:
1. Canada is a country that loves its hockey. My years of watching the sport and their life and death mentality about winning the gold medal at the olympics all but confirmed this for me. They also have a few of the most legendary and historic franchises in the entire sport within their borders. That’s why I assume they wear ice skates as shoes, use hockey sticks as canes, and hockey pucks are the preferred form of currency. In Canada they don’t talk things out. They drop gloves and go at it with their fists. Little kids don’t go to timeout like in America, they go to the penalty box. Lastly, playoff beards are a year round endeavor.
2. I’m going to get frisked by a Mountie… I just know it. We have police that serve and protect us. They have Mounties that ride around on horses wearing bright red jackets and funny looking hates. I can only imagine it makes taking them seriously a bit of a chore. Dudley Do-Right doesn’t help the situation either… the Brendon Fraser version. Then again, who actually saw that movie? For the record I never actually saw that movie. I just thought it would be a good vehicle for making a quality joke. I was way off… just like the producers and directors of the movie Dudley Do-Right. Glove save and a beaut right there.
3. Maple Syrup… everywhere. They put it in their coffee, on their spaghetti, and drink it straight no chaser. When something is as readily available to you as Maple Syrup is to Canadians you would expect them to find 9 million different uses for it besides waffles and pancakes. It’s possible that I might develop diabetes and have my teeth rotted out by the time I get back to the USA. Of course the teeth that don’t fall out due to mass consumption of maple syrup will probably get knocked out in 17 hockey fights. Should I make my dentist appointment now, or later?
4. The accent. Where oh where do I begin with the accent, eh? How aboot right here, eh? Yah, those Canadian moose jockeys. What a bunch of hosers, eh. The one good thing about this here vacation is that most of it will be spent fishin’ on a boot, far away from those hockey loving syrup swiggers, eh. I can’t decide if coming back sounding like that would be awesome or horrible. I can only imagine how confused the southerners I deal with on a daily basis would be. Then again maybe I should come back sounding like that. After all, I can’t understand a word any of them say. It would make work so much more productive… or not… eh?
5. I’m going on a trip to a fishing lodge. I’m highly skeptical that this lodge might in fact be an igloo. The idea of a wooden cabin or lodge sitting out in the middle of the wide open wilderness is just ridiculous considering most, if not all Canadians live in igloos. I mean, I’m originally from Ohio and all, but it’s cold up there even by my standards. Maybe if I get lucky I’ll get to ride a polar bear. One things for certain, I better stock up on flannel and wool caps.
Oh stereotypes… how you make me laugh.
I leave you with a scene from South Park glorifying Canadian tradition. It’s a wonderful day for Canada and therefore, the world.