Solving the National Debt Crisis

For anyone who either doesn’t pay attention, or really just doesn’t care, the United States is apparently in a bit of a pickle right now when it comes to its ever-growing national debt.  Apparently, Congress begrudgingly raised the debt ceiling so the nation can incur even more debt.  Awesome.  What better way to solve your problems when it comes to debt than to take on more debt.  Isn’t that the complete opposite of what they teach in finance 101?  You can’t solve debt problems with more debt.

Thankfully I’m here to solve everyone’s problems.  That’s right, this morning I’m going to take my focus away from sports and solve the national debt crisis.  It’s not exactly rocket science.  People fall into and out of debt every singe day so the government shouldn’t feel ashamed of their current situation.  It’s just going to take a bit of brainstorming and thinking outside of the box to fix this.

So without further adieu…

Ten Ways for the Government to Fix the Debt Crisis

  1. Ebay:  I’m going out on a limb here and saying the government has a lot of crap lying around.  Extra airplanes, old furniture, UFO’s.  You name it, chances are the government has more than a few of it lying around collecting dust.  Why not throw some of that crap up on Ebay.  If the Yankee Loving Fiance can make $150 with a purse, how much can the government make on alien skeletons and Abraham Lincoln’s hat collection?  Seriously, the government is sitting on a gold mine and refuses to acknowledge it.
  2. Start doing odd jobs:  Really, in all seriousness… how much work are senators and representatives and all these ridiculous number of staff members doing on a daily basis.  Judging by the amount of vacation and time off they get I’m going to assume it’s not much.  Why not make them work their days off from Congress.  Christmas season is right around the corner so I’m sure Target and Wal-Mart are hiring.  If they expect people to work three minimum wage jobs to cover their bills why can’t they work an extra part-time job and dump their extra money into the nation’s savings account?
  3. Collect cans and bottles:  Washington D.C. is a fairly large and busy metropolitan area.  One could probably assume there’s a ton of aluminum cans being thrown away or tossed aside on a daily basis.  That’s free money!  Delaware is one of 11 states that pays you money for returning cans and bottles.  That’s conveniently close to Washington D.C.  Hell, why not think bigger picture?  Who better to pull off the Kramer/Newman Michigan pop bottle scheme?  Uhh… the government that’s who.  They have all the free mail trucks a person could ask for and since they’re in bed with the gas companies they can probably get a deal on gas and pull a profit.  You’re nodding your head in agreement, aren’t you?
  4. Consolidate their debt:  The U.S. has so much debt that I’m sure they owe it to a bunch of different countries besides China.  With that in mind, why not put it all together?  Here’s the plan.  Find a credit card with a decent interest rate and use that to pay off all of the nation’s debt.  Being one of the leading economic powers in the world I’m sure the U.S. could get a decent interest rate and just think of all the reward points they could earn charging a trillion dollars to one credit card.  I see a bitchin bbq set and a crap load of Chase Bank polo’s in our nation’s future.
  5. Stop sending money to other countries:  This one isn’t too hard to comprehend.  We’re struggling to pay back our debt, so crazy concept… stop sending money to other countries.  I understand there are people suffering and less fortunate in the world, but sometimes you have to look out for #1.  Does it make sense for an elderly woman to give away buckets of money to every charitable foundation that comes calling?  No.  So why should the U.S. be any different.
  6. Sell off life experiences:  Would you like to be President for a day?  Would you like to spend a week shadowing your favorite corrupt congressman?  I’m sure somebody does so why not sell the experience.  I’m sure the government could make a couple grand extra every week selling off experiences like this.  What’s the worst that could happen?  I’m pretty sure a fake president for a day couldn’t screw things up any worse than any of the real presidents we’ve had throughout the years.  Lyndon B. Johnson anyone?
  7. Start selling drugs:  This one is actually kind of serious.  The government makes a killing, at least you think they would, on the taxation of tobacco products.  Why not legalize marijuana and tax the $hit out of that too?  In reality they’d be killing two birds with one stone.  It would put thousands of pot dealers out of business and generate the extra income they so desperately need.  Sure there’s the moral ramifications of the government selling drugs, but hey… they’ve done worse.  Stoners everywhere are dazed and confuzed.
  8. Cut backs that actually improve the bottom line:  If every one else in America can deal with layoffs and pay cuts, why can’t the government.  Why do they need massive life time salaries and health care plans that make even the best corporate health plans look like third world back alley abortions?  Seriously… think of how much of our tax dollars go to their salaries and health care, meanwhile they cut every program under the sun that they deem unnecessary.  Heaven forbid they should learn how to do more with less, meanwhile my future kids won’t learn how to play the triangle in school… if schools even exist in the future.
  9. Government bake sale:  If it’s good enough for the girl scouts than it’s good enough for the government.  Hell, Obama has two young kids, they could stand outside the White House and sell cookies and cupcakes to the hundreds of thousands of people who walk by daily.  Everyone goes on and on about how cute they are so honestly, who’s not going to buy something from them?  If that doesn’t work they could always try out the sexy government intern car wash.  Thirty-five senators just lined up their cars in the Denny’s parking lot.
  10. Stop being in denial:  This is the simplest one of them all.  Stop being in denial about the situation.  It’s the number one thing financial experts say individuals need to do when they are facing massive amounts of debt.  Stop being in denial about the situation and address the problem.  Raising the debt ceiling and re-addressing the problem in another six months isn’t solving anything.  Claiming we’re still AAA status and always will be even though we’ve been deemed AA+ is not fixing anything.  The economy is falling apart and we’re all going to suffer.  Stop spending, start paying back the debt, and fix the economy already.

And there you have it.  Ten ways for the government to fix the national debt crisis.  It’s so simple, yet no one has figured it out.

So Mr. President… Barry, can I call you Barry?  Get it done sir… get it done.  I expect compensation for solving all of your problems.  I’ll take my payment in the form of cash.  No personal checks because well… I’m afraid it might bounce.

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4 thoughts on “Solving the National Debt Crisis

  1. B –

    You are such a goon. I have to admit that even though there is a huge comedic element to your piece; there is also a fundamental basis that I think our government refuses to see. If it’s good for the entire country it should be good for the government as well. I have long conversations with the…what did you call her…..um…..(going to get it now) “Yankee Loving Fiance” about everything ranging from crime to office politics. I think that even though you don’t know how to wave to people in the morning….and you make fun of my chickens…you have a really good point pertaining to how our government works too hard on making things complicated and not hard enough on finding simple and effective resolutions.

    Can non – citizens get an Ebay account? Barry made need a friend to set that up for him! 🙂

    Have a good day!

  2. We could always get the accountants that Frank McCourt and Fred Wilpon were using who were able to hide those messes as long as they did.

  3. 2 problems here brian….1. if anyone’s going to give away money…might as well be the elderly…they’re a dying breed. 2. you forgot to mention some of the other benefits of the government selling weed. The quality of the product increases, it frees up a shit ton of space in our prisons for actual criminals, and if the cells end up empty all the better that’s less money we have to spend supporting their bitch asses, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY pot heads will no longer have anything to bitch about.

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