The NFL Draft is tonight. That’s odd because the NFL doesn’t actually have a league right now. Or do they?
Ok, they do… sorta.
Well, it’s complicated.
How the hell can it be complicated? Either you have a league or you don’t. According to the court system and players there apparently is a league and it’s open for business. According to the owners and their plethora of attorneys… not so much. I honestly have no clue what’s going on and I could care less. I hate this time of the year. There’s so much else going on right now and none of it gets the attention it deserves because of the draft. It’s all anyone wants to talk about. I get why, but is it necessary. Do we really need 15,000 different mock drafts each week to tell us absolutely nothing at all? Apparently… yes we do.
But what is the point of all of it? Nobody really knows what any team is going to do until they do it. There are only two for sure things that are guaranteed to happen each draft. It’s a tradition unlike any other that…
- The Browns and Bengals will find a way to eff it all up
- The Steelers and Ravens will find a way to get it all right and turn chicken crap into chicken salad
- Carolina Panthers: The Carolina Panthers are in shambles. They need a sure fire, can’t miss, quick fix. For that reason, the Panthers will select former BP CEO Tony Hayward. He’s out of a job and the Panthers feel like his terrible handling of the Gulf oil spill is not a clear indicator of his skill set. They believe it was the system he was in and the people around him that led to his sub par performance last year. It’s a gamble, but one that could pay off if Hayward gets his act together. Besides, how hard can it be to rebuild an NFL team compared to an entire region devastated by a man made disaster of his doing? However, I think the Panthers should draft Cam Newton, QB Auburn… he doesn’t seem so bad by comparison.
- Denver Broncos: It’s no secret that new football czar John Elway isn’t a fan of QB Tim Tebow. It’s for that reason I think the Broncos will go with a QB. With his first pick, John Elway and the Broncos select… John Elway. Elway immediately holds out, threatening to join a bowling league. He’s skeptical of the Broncos ability to win now and worries about his legacy as a hall of famer trying to be the one to finally replace a hall of famer. His ego knows no bounds, folks. In actuality, I think the Broncos are more likely to take Macell Dareus to sure up their league worst run defense.
- Buffalo Bills: Sensing their impending and unfortunate move to Toronto once Ralph Wilson dies, the Bills select former Maple Leafs captain Mats Sundin. Yes, he’s a hockey player, but what better way to boost the Toronto fan base than to select their most beloved recent legend in their most beloved sport? Plus, I could see Sundin transitioning into one hell of an intimidator at inside linebacker. On second thought, finding a solution to their QB issue is probably a better idea. I think the Bills take a stab at Blaine Gabbert.
- Cincinnati Bengals: Now that Gabbert is off the board I’m not sure what the Bengals will do. Ironically, the Bengals don’t know what the Bengals are going to do. In keeping with the developing trend, the Bengals go quarterback… and in the process show Carson Palmer they mean business. That’s right, the Bengals select… Carson Palmer, QB of the Cincinnati Bengals. What better way to counter a retirement threat and show someone you mean business then to draft them when you already have them under contract. That’s the Bengals for you. Unfortunately for the Browns, with Gabbert gone, the Bengals are probably going with AJ Green.
- Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals are another team that hasn’t performed very well historically in the draft, or on the field for that matter. But this is the year where it all changes. The Cardinals have one hell of a strategy and their top player is still on their at #5, much to their surprise. The Cardinals sprint to the podium and select Stanford QB Andrew Luck. They then immediately sprint away from the podium before anyone can tell them Luck wasn’t in the draft. It’s clearly an implementation of the classic “no takesies backsies” strategy employed by many 5 year olds around the world. The NFL doesn’t allow it though and the Cardinals settle with Texas A&M linebacker Von Miller.
- Cleveland Browns: Oh Cleveland… how I’ve learned to loathe the draft. But that was in the past. This is the Holmgren era. This is an era of success. Cutting right through all the B.S. the Browns decide to do something crazy. The Browns draft Christiano Ronaldo. That’s right… a soccer player. If it’s one thing the Browns know, it’s kickers. And Phil Dawson isn’t getting any younger. Why not draft a young kicker to be the heir apparent to the Browns best player and sell tickets. It can’t possibly backfire. In reality the Browns will give Colt McCoy some help on offense and draft Julio Jones, WR Alabama.
- San Francisco 49ers: At this point the NFL prognosticators have no clue what will happen. Many expect the 49ers to take the best available. The 49ers just can’t overlook their glaring need at quarterback. Alex Smith just isn’t the answer. That’s why the 49ers decide to draft Tim Lincecum, P San Francisco Giants. Despite his lack of size and strength, Lincecum has a cannon for an arm and a bitchin’ head of hair. Imagine that Lion’s mane flowing out the back of a helmet. ESPN cuts to a stoned Lincecum who is confused and believes he’s ordering a pizza via Skype. Sensing their mistake, the 49ers ask and receive the right to change their pick to Patrick Peterson, CB LSU.
- Tennessee Titans: Bud Adams has reached a level of insanity usually reserved for Al Davis. Despite the fact that they could use a quarterback after the Vince Young fiasco or a solid defensive lineman, the Titans take a page out of the Al Davis playbook. Unhappy with his replacement for Jeff Fisher, Bud Adams selects… Al Davis? Yes… Al Davis. He coached the Raiders once upon a time ago and Adams really admires his commitment to the 7 step drop, stretch pass offense. Oh, and he also enjoys the early bird special at Home Town Buffet. So who cares if they have the best running back in football. It’s all about the vertical passing attack now. Just win, Baby! Adams then awakes from his nap to realize the Titans front office picked Nick Fairley, DT Auburn. We were that close to uniting Kahn and Emperor Palpatine.
- Dallas Cowboys: Looking to recover from the debacle that was this past Super Bowl, Jerry jones feels like it’s time to hit a home run. Unhappy with the current star power wearing the Dallas Cowboys star, Jerry Jones selects Justin Bieber, singer, Canada. It makes perfect sense. Get the biggest star to play for America’s team. So what if he’s Canadian. Of course as a result the average age of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders plummets to 14. Jones now has the perfect storm for Sundays. Feeding Bieber in the backfield by day and Bieber Fever in the stands at night. Unfortunately, Biber can’t secure a work visa and the Cowboys are forced to take Anthony Costanzo T, Boston College to sure up their offensive offensive line.
- Washington Redskins: Daniel Snyder will not be made a fool of by the media anymore. With the 10th pick in the draft, Snyder selects the Washington Post. No, not a certain writer and not just the sports section. He picks the entire paper. No longer will they write scathing article about his idiotic running of the Redskins. From here on out its all ass kissing and pictures of puppies. Unfortunately for him, Roger Goodell calls him an idiot and forces him to select again. On attempt #2 Washington takes Da’Quan Bowers, DT Clemson… bum knee and all.
- Houton Texans: The Texans have a very high powered offense. Why not make it even more high powered if the option is available? To make things worse, everyone one in the Houston has a fever… Jimmer Fever. They were deprived of him making it to Houston for the final four, so the Texans select him with the 11th overall pick. How he’ll help their offense get anyone any better is anyone’s best guess, but one things for sure… he won’t help the defense at all. But that’s ok, no one on the current roster does much on defense anyways. On second thought, the Texans take Nebraska CB Prince Amukamara.
- Minnesota Vikings: Zygi Wilf has come to terms finally with the fact that the Brett Farve era is over, he’s just not prepared to get out of that gene pool. That’s right, with the 12 pick the Minnesota Vikings select Parker Brett Favre. Granted, he’s only a year old, but that gives the Vikings time to groom him for the position. If anything the Vikings are forward thinkers. Plus, they probably have left over diapers sitting around the training complex from Grandpa Brett. In all seriousness, I think the Vikings will take Washington QB Jake Locker.
- Detroit Lions: The Detroit Lions have lived a tortured existence as an NFL team. So much so that the only logical choice in this year’s draft is Dr. Emmett Brown. Yes, THE Doc Brown, inventor of the flux capacitor and time travel. How else do the Lions go back in time, undo all their wrongs, and build a dynasty? The obvious answer is time travel. Then again, maybe the don’t end up with Ndamukong Suh. It’s not worth the risk. He’s that good. Instead the Lions will opt for Robert Quinn, DT North Carolina.
- St. Louis Rams: The Rams decide to help out the other franchise in St. Louis. No, not the Blues… the Cardinals. With the 14th pick the Rams select Albert Pujols. The theory is that not only can they turn him into one hell of a tight end, but also combine his NFL salary with his MLB salary and keep him in St. Louis for good. Plus, it’s not likely he’d leave St. Louis if he’s employed by another team the other half of the year. Then again, one could argue that the Rams are better off building a legit team around Sam Bradford. Unfortunately at this point in the draft there isn’t an offensive player worth taking. The Rams go defense and take Corey Liuget, Dt Illinois.
- Miami Dolphins: Brandon Marshall made this pick easy for the dolphins. No, they’re not taking a wide receiver. They’re taking the body guard, Kevin Costner. Can you think of someone better to protect their star receiver from getting stabbed again? I can’t. Plus Costner would make and awesome golf partner for Bill Parcells. Does this seriously seem like that big of a stretch? I say no. In reality though, the Dolphins are going to try and figure out this whole QB thing again. They’ll take whoever is left between Dalton and Locker. In my scenario, it’s Andy Dalton, QB TCU.
- Jacksonville Jaguars: Let’s face it, the Jaguars are not a very sexy team. They play in a small market, in an ugly stadium, and have possibly one of the ugliest uniform sets in the league. They need to add a little sex appeal. For that reason alone the Jaguars take Jennifer Lopez with the 16th pick. Sure she can’t play a down of football, but she’s gorgeous and was just named the most beautiful woman in the world. Thanks to American Idol it looks like she’s back on top. What they should do is draft her and then have her sit in a random seat each game. Wouldn’t you buy tickets by the dozen if you knew you’d have a chance to spend 3 hours sitting next to her? I’m a genius when it comes to marketing. Unfortunately, the Jaguars will pick one of the 100 or so defensive linemen in this draft. At 16 they’ll take Ryan Kerrigan, DE Purdue.
- New England Patriots via Oakland Raiders: Oh the Patriots… the kings of trading down and acquiring future picks that they’re never going to use. For the sake of arguing, let’s say they actually use this pick. The obvious choice here is Ted Williams. Bill Belichick looks like a hobo and is a master at reclamation projects. Ted Williams is a hobo reclamation project. It’s so perfect there’s no need to dissect it any further. Of course the real issue is the line. It’s getting older and Logan Mankins is probably going to leave if there’s ever a free agency period. They’ll draft an O-lineman. My best guess according to my non-existent sources is Tyron Smith, T USC.
- San Diego Chargers: The Chargers are the league’s underachievers every year. How else do you combat being the annual underachiever than by drafting one of the world’s all-time overachievers. With that said the Chargers will hang ten at 18 and draft one armed surfer girl Bethany Hamilton. Her arm got bitten off by a shark a few years ago. That alone should be enough to keep her from ever looking at the ocean ever again, let alone actually getting on a surf board and going in the water. But she overcame all of that and has become a great surfer…with one flippin’ arm. That’s more than the Chargers have ever done as a team. The pick makes sense. Plus she’s a surfer so she should be pretty stoked to stay in San Diego. The Chargers need more help on defense though and will pick J.J. Watt, DE Wisconsin.
- New York Giants: Last year was not a good year for the Giants. They had lofty expectations and managed to miss the playoffs. Not good. They need a lot of help on the offensive line and as a result decide to take a chance on Kirstie Allie. The decision is a tough one. They like the mobility and footwork she’s shown on dancing with the stars. The level of agility she has displayed is unlike anything they’ve ever seen. At the same time they’re also worried that all the added cardio from the show is causing her to lose size which is valuable in being a solid anchor on the line. Due to this the Giants decide to change their pick and go with Mike Pouncey, G-C Florida.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: This one is almost too easy. Buccaneers are pirates, pirates are buccaneers… kind of. Just so happens there’s a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie coming out. With the 20th pick, Tampa takes Captain Jack Sparrow. No, not Johnny Depp… they take Johnny Depp in full makeup. One thing is for sure, he’s shown an uncanny ability to elude pressure and get out of tight jams. For that reason he would make the perfect compliment to Josh Freeman in wildcat situations. Then again, he does have a movie to promote. Captain jack is probably too busy for football. Looks like the Bucs will have to take Adrian Clayborn, DE Iowa to be an outside pass rusher coming off the edge.
- Kansas City Chiefs: Kansas City is known for barbecue. Speak no more. The Chiefs decide to pick Sweet Baby Ray because his sauce is amazing. There is no need to examine this pick any further. Of course, Sweet Baby Ray might not be a real person. Just in case, the Chiefs pick Gabe Carimi, T Wisconsin.
- Indianapolis Colts: The Colts will forever be in denial about the fact that Peyton Manning is getting old. He’s not going to be able to be their quarterback forever. Luckily for them his wife just gave birth to a son. Gene pool! Yup, the Colts decide to take a page out of the Viking’s draft strategy book and select Peyton Manning’s son with the 22nd pick. They figure by the time Manning is ready to retire, the newest Manning will be ready to step in. Of course, they probably have time before they have to make that pick. They’ll probably bide some time and pick Aldon Smith, DE/OLB Missouri.
- Philadelphia Eagles: This is a team of wild cards. From Michael Vick, to Desean Jackson, to Jeremy Maclin and Lesean McCoy. Any one of them can break a big play at any time. Why not then draft the ultimate wild card. With the 23rd pick, the Eagles will select Charlie Kelley, Bartender, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. He’s the wild card, bitches! There’s no way he wouldn’t fit in with this team. Plus it would be fun to see him come to the podium to shake Goodell’s hand dressed as green man. Of Course he’d constantly be in a drunken stooper. I guess a smarter pick here would be Jimmy Smith, CB Colorado.
- New Orleans Saints: New Orleans is a party city. What better way for the Saints to improve one of the party capitals of the USA than by drafting Duff Man. Yes… Duff Man. Who better to amp up the party than the man responsible for spreading the good word of Duff Beer to the people of Springfield? It’s not like the NFL promotes drinking through a massive amount of beer ads or anything. Before the pick though, some mothers get madd and force the Saints to call an audible. They take Cameron Heyward, DE Ohio St.
- Seattle Seahawks: The Seahwaks love to talk about how they have the best fans and the loudest stadium in the NFL. They even have this goofy 12th man tradition for each game. Why not draft a legit super fan/12th man. With their pick the Seahawks take the Seattle Supersonics super fan that was seen on TV the other night in Denver. He’ll bring the passion like none other. On second thought, the Seahawks need defensive help. They’ll take Marvin Austin, DT North Carolina
- Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens are a bunch of a$$holes. What they need is a never ending supply of toilet paper. At 26 they’ll draft one of those stupid bears from the Charmin commercials. Besides, according to old spice commercials bears want to be friends with Ray Lewis. In reality they’ll look to improve their defense and take Jimmy Smith, CB Colorado.
- Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons are referred to as the Dirty Birds. I ask the question, “Why they gotta be dirty?” To remedy this, the Falcons will take the guy from the Old Spice commercials. Like the Charmin Bear the pick before, he can provide an unlimited supply of soaps, body washes, and deodorants to make those dirty birds less dirty. Plus, him and Matty Ice could make one hell of a tag team on the local bar scene. Ladies… you’ve been warned. Then again, being the dirty birds is who they are. Instead they pick Justin Houston, OLB/DE Georgia.
- New England Patriots: Hey, it’s Bill Belichick again. That crazy rascal. Will he trade this pick away? Nah, he’ll make an unprecedented second pick in the first round. With the 28th pick the Patriots select… Eric Mangini? But I thought they hated each other? Belichick tells everyone that the past is the past and what matters is moving forward. They embrace at the podium as Roger Goodell looks on in disbelief. Belichick then reaches behind Mangini and gives him a huge wedgie, pushes him backwards off the stage, and pisses on the fake Patriots jersey while screaming, “NEVER AGAIN!” As it turns out, this was all an elaborate prank to make Mangini look the fool. Safe to say he’s cut. Oddly, no one gets any of this on film. Laughing to himself, Belichick grabs the mic and says the Patriots take Alabama running back Mark Ingram and ends it with “SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!”
- Chicago Bears: The Bears have Jay Cutler as their quarterback. Just so happens he recently became engaged to MTV reality star Kristen Cavallari. That means they’re not just thinking for themselves anymore. In an attempt to appease the prima donna and Cavallari, the Bears select an Oompa Loompa. The Bears mistakenly believe Cavallarri is that obnoxious rich girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and figure they might as well get her one of the dozens of things she demanded in the movie. Plus, this gives Cutler someone to drink beer and play video games with 5 nights out of the week. They come to their senses and realize this marriage has zero chance of lasting so why waste a pick on it. At 29, the Bears take Derek Sherrod, OT Mississippi State.
- New York Jets: The New York Jets select… Phil Taylor, DT Baylor. What? Were you expecting some kind of stupid joke about the Jets drafting the closest Asian nail salon? Please… oh wait haha
- Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers aren’t taking any chances. They need to make sure they’re able to keep Ben Roethelisberger safe… from himself. In order to do that, the Steelers draft Hugh Hefner. Allow me to explain. Who better to show Big Ben how to properly woo and treat a woman? After all, Hefner’s surrounded by hundreds of gorgeous women daily and has been married dozens of times. Should be easier to stay out of trouble hanging at the Playboy Mansion than at seedy college bars. Actually that makes no sense. Big Ben is a horn dog. Instead the Steelers will draft Brandon Harris, CB Miami.
- Green Bay Packers: The Packers are the defending champs. In all honesty, they’re pretty solid all around. So who exactly do they draft? The answer is simple. Jackie Chiles. Yes, Kramer’s lawyer from Seinfeld. Who better to go to court against the NFL, end the lockout, and allow the Packers to defend the title they worked so hard to win last season? So what if he never won a case during the shows run. He has the charisma to take on the NFL owners. Too bad they’ll all have to figure this out on their own. The Packers with the final pick in round 1 take Muhammad Wilkerson, DL Temple.