People Watching: Christmas Travel Edition

Tonight I will be attending the Sugar Bowl, so expect a full onslaught of Sugar Bowl content tomorrow.  Until then enjoy the following non-sports oriented piece…

Traveling for the holidays is a time-honored tradition that dates back to whenever we started celebrating holidays and people started moving away from home.  It’s hard to really pinpoint exactly when it started, but people have been doing it for a while.  Because I live in Louisiana I’m now subjected to the circus sideshow that is the airport.  While it is incredibly boring and frustrating at the same time the airport can serve as a great place for people watching.  It’s like taking the best of Wal-Mart, the local carnival, and part of Eastern Europe and cramming it all together in a truly hellacious experience.

So what exactly did I see while waiting in the airports in New Orleans, Baltimore, Cleveland, and Chicago?  Well, allow me to share in no real particular order:

  1. A creepy old guy in a super matchy-matchy track jacket and pants combo with just enough facial hair to make him dangerous.
  2. Another guy, this one sporting full on multiple SEC school apparel… and using his black trench coat like a down comforter.  He also looked like Lawrence Fishburne.
  3. A pack of half Mexican/half Chinese children, (one of which with red hair) and their parents.
  4. A balding man with gold plated Bose headphones, leather man purse, the world’s largest pit stains, and a girlfriend that is a total mismatch straight out of a movie (Think Quasimodo and Esmeralda).
  5. A woman wandering aimlessly with a purple sequin cowboy hat.
  6. A very burly man with no hair anywhere on his body… except for his beard.
  7. One adorable chubby baby.
  8. A grown man wearing a bandana as a head band and pleated khaki pants.  I think he thinks he’s in Flashdance 2: Dancing Down Wall Street.
  9. A married couple nomming on pizza and popcorn like they are starving children during the Great Depression.
  10. An invisible person in a wheelchair… that or the wheelchair was empty. (or I’m retarded according to the Yankee Loving Fiancée)
  11. A grown man wearing a pink suede button down shirt.  I didn’t know such things existed.
  12. 436 bright pink shoulder bags… give or take a couple hundred.
  13. Surprisingly, only one light up Santa hat.  Even more surprising… it was being worn by a very large black man.
  14. A girl walking through the terminal in bright green sweat pants, Uggs, and picking her butt as she walked.  Not sure what she was mining for, but it probably wasn’t gold.
  15. Two prototypical MMA fans sporting more Tapout gear than is necessary.
  16. One old school Toronto Blue Jays hat, only weird because this is New Orleans.
  17. At one point the service desk called out for a passenger named Castro.  I thought I was going to Cleveland, not Cuba.
  18. In the bathroom in Baltimore, two men were taking a whiz and at the same time talking about Ven diagrams.  Further proof that Baltimore sucks… football stealing bastards.
  19. A man in a hideous sweater wearing a pair of the round eye glasses similar to the ones worn by Jake Jarmel on Seinfeld and subsequently worn by Elaine for revenge.  Anyways, they looked way too small for this guy’s face.
  20. One woman decided she was going to bypass the security line all together and walked all the way to the front of the line… then she threw a temper tantrum when security ushered her all the way to the back of the line.
  21. Another woman stared at the line for security with her luggage in hand.  After five minutes she finally asked, in all seriousness, “What is this line for?”  Really?
  22. One very small chinese guy who didn’t get the memo that clothing by Christian Audigier (aka Ed Hardy) doesn’t make you super cool.  In fact, it makes you a douche.  Judging by the amount of Ed Hardy, hair product, and cologne… this guy was a super ultra mega douche.
  23. One old man, who’s flight was cancelled the previous day and had been held up 20 minutes, developed a case of tourettes in the airport.  Every 30 seconds he was on his cell phone, which he didn’t know how to use, and cussing up a storm to whoever was on the other end about his God damn flight and the God damn plane and Christ almighty the God damn people working at the God damn ticket counters… you get the point.
  24. In Chicago, we ran into two guys looking to get to California.  This first had been in the Chicago airport since 10 AM only to have his flights canceled until the following morning.  When we got on our plane he was snuggling up in his seat for a long night in the airport.
  25. The second guy was headed home to California, and judging by his attire was also a Wisconsin fan.  This was clinched when he said he was headed to the Rose Bowl.  He had also been in the airport since 5 AM… the previous day.  He got on a flight to New Orleans solely to get out of Chicago and try his luck getting a plane to California in another airport.
  26. The second California guy actually got onto our plane.  He was the last one on and had to try and cram his over stuffed back pack into the overhead bin.  The scene that ensued was something right out of the movie “Meet the Parents.”  The only thing missing was him yelling “Bomb, bomb, bomb, ba-bomb, bomb, bomb!” at the flight attendant.  I guess these things will happen when you’ve been in an airport for close to 48 hours.

So there you have it… Doesn’t holiday airport travel sound like a blast?  I can’t wait until next year.


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